When are you guys going to have another? Is Sully going to have a baby brother or sister soon? Do you guys want more kids? She needs a little brother or sister to play with! Typical only child behavior…
I’ve started and stopped this post off and on for the past year. It feels a little like exposing the rawest part of us. It feels like my biggest flaw, right here in black and white type for everyone to judge.
Those questions and comments I know are innocent, I know they aren’t meant to hurt. And it’s my own insecurities and just the circumstances themselves that makes it hurt. For a long time I laughed them off and now I tell anyone who asks, “Well actually we’ve been trying for almost two years now with no luck.” Some are stunned to silence. Others ask follow up questions as they blush. Then I feel bad for making them feel awkward…
You see, if you get pregnant once, you should easily be able to get pregnant after that, right? It seems like literally, everyone else has. I mean if you’ve had a baby once there’s clearly nothing wrong with you, especially when you were among the lucky ones to get pregnant almost immediately (I was 9 weeks before I even realized I was pregnant).
It seems almost silly now. We thought it would take us a year or two with Sully, we weren’t prepared for her then. And now all we talk about is growing our family. Yet we can’t seem to make that happen.
Please don’t get me wrong, if Sully is the only child we’re destined to have in this life, we thank God so, so much for that! She’s absolutely amazing and our love for her is so abundant. We’re truly blessed to have such a healthy and charismatic baby girl.
It doesn’t stop my womb from literally hurting looking at her sometimes though. I just think of the life I wish I was growing and how bad I wish I could give her a sibling. At this point, she’ll be FOUR before we have a baby. I never imagined my kids four years (or more!) apart.
Adoption is something we always talked about wanting to do, I just thought we would get to decide how many biological children we wanted first. You know what they say though, if you want to see God laugh, show him your plans.
It’s hard for me to see a pregnant woman. It’s even harder for me to see siblings, especially those of friends who had babies when I had Sully, or worse, after I had Sully. I’m so happy for them, but it hurts.
I feel ashamed, I feel less than, I feel unworthy.
I’m not saying this to make you wrack your brain to remember if you’ve said any of this to me or a similar friend. And I certainly hope this doesn’t cause anyone to chose their words carefully around me. I’m sharing this for two reasons.
- I believe in the power of prayer. The more people we tell, the more prayers we potentially have.
- Everyone is dealing with something you guys. And they tend to keep it secret. I’m to the point now where I believe that we have to share these struggles – hopefully, they’ll bring us together. I hope sharing will eventually make us feel proud, I hope sharing will eventually make us feel more than, I hope sharing will eventually make us feel worthy.
We go Wednesday for our first infertility appointment with the National Healthcare Service (NHS) here in London.
We would appreciate your prayers as we start this part of our journey.
Please know that if you too have something you would like prayers for – I would love to add you to my prayer intentions. Feel free to comment below if you are comfortable sharing publically, or email me at [email protected] or direct message me on Instagram (@erinnicolep).