When are you guys going to have another? Is Sully going to have a baby brother or sister soon? Do you guys want more kids? She needs a little brother or sister to play with! Typical only child behavior…
I’ve started and stopped this post off and on for the past year. It feels a little like exposing the rawest part of us. It feels like my biggest flaw, right here in black and white type for everyone to judge.
Those questions and comments I know are innocent, I know they aren’t meant to hurt. And it’s my own insecurities and just the circumstances themselves that makes it hurt. For a long time I laughed them off and now I tell anyone who asks, “Well actually we’ve been trying for almost two years now with no luck.” Some are stunned to silence. Others ask follow up questions as they blush. Then I feel bad for making them feel awkward…
You see, if you get pregnant once, you should easily be able to get pregnant after that, right? It seems like literally, everyone else has. I mean if you’ve had a baby once there’s clearly nothing wrong with you, especially when you were among the lucky ones to get pregnant almost immediately (I was 9 weeks before I even realized I was pregnant).
It seems almost silly now. We thought it would take us a year or two with Sully, we weren’t prepared for her then. And now all we talk about is growing our family. Yet we can’t seem to make that happen.
Please don’t get me wrong, if Sully is the only child we’re destined to have in this life, we thank God so, so much for that! She’s absolutely amazing and our love for her is so abundant. We’re truly blessed to have such a healthy and charismatic baby girl.
It doesn’t stop my womb from literally hurting looking at her sometimes though. I just think of the life I wish I was growing and how bad I wish I could give her a sibling. At this point, she’ll be FOUR before we have a baby. I never imagined my kids four years (or more!) apart.
Adoption is something we always talked about wanting to do, I just thought we would get to decide how many biological children we wanted first. You know what they say though, if you want to see God laugh, show him your plans.
It’s hard for me to see a pregnant woman. It’s even harder for me to see siblings, especially those of friends who had babies when I had Sully, or worse, after I had Sully. I’m so happy for them, but it hurts.
I feel ashamed, I feel less than, I feel unworthy.
I’m not saying this to make you wrack your brain to remember if you’ve said any of this to me or a similar friend. And I certainly hope this doesn’t cause anyone to chose their words carefully around me. I’m sharing this for two reasons.
- I believe in the power of prayer. The more people we tell, the more prayers we potentially have.
- Everyone is dealing with something you guys. And they tend to keep it secret. I’m to the point now where I believe that we have to share these struggles – hopefully, they’ll bring us together. I hope sharing will eventually make us feel proud, I hope sharing will eventually make us feel more than, I hope sharing will eventually make us feel worthy.
We go Wednesday for our first infertility appointment with the National Healthcare Service (NHS) here in London.
We would appreciate your prayers as we start this part of our journey.
Please know that if you too have something you would like prayers for – I would love to add you to my prayer intentions. Feel free to comment below if you are comfortable sharing publically, or email me at [email protected] or direct message me on Instagram (@erinnicolep).
Hillary Conheady says
You are so strong for sharing your story!! I’ll be sending my love your way!
Ashley Murphy says
I will pray for you and your family. I know you said that you didn’t ever imagine having your children four or more years apart, however, I have kids that have up to 6 years between them and my oldest and youngest are actually the closest because she took it among herself to be the helper. It may not be what was planned, but either way, she will be an amazing big sister and they will have a great relationship. I hope you have success with your appointment and that you have a little bundle of joy soon ❤️❤️
Jess Lewis says
Thank you for much for your openness and honesty about a subject that is often kept so hidden, too hidden in my opinion, with such grace and love! I was told for a long, long time that having children on my own would just not be part of my future but truly believe God can do and does tremendous things all the time!! I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and will be including you in my prayers daily!!
All my love,
You are brave for sharing your journey and I know that you will touch many women through your words. We struggled with miscarriage..much less times than many others but it was still so hard. However, God taught me many valuable lessons about choosing words carefully as well as sharing struggles. I have in my feeble way tried to help my many friends who have come to me with similar struggles. We have been open and that has given many an outlet. Praying for a good appointment for y’all and please keep us updated on your path. ❤️
I’m a Brit living in the US so we are kind of role reversing, so happy you love my home town and your wonderful stories make me a little homesick ?. Strangely enough we share something else in common my husband and I have also suffered with infertility with a second child. We had our daughter relatively easily, but sadly after a few miscarriage the second much wanted child has not appeared. I can totally relate to all your experiencing and I would love to say I’m complete with the reality which confronts us of only being a family of three but it is beginning to get easier. I try to take comfort in the fact that I am a mother and so many are not so lucky. I share this because you are not alone and also because it is good for me to share truth. It cuts deeply when people flippantly ask about another child. I am sure your results will be positive and I am thankful for your candor.
Gentry Adams says
Oh Erin, I am so sorry. Although I haven’t walked in your shoes, I have a dear friend who has been trying for 4 years for her first so I totally empathize with your feelings, disappointment, and struggles through supporting her in her journey.
I did want to encourage you though… my parents always wanted a sibling for me and after 3 years of trying they decided that I must be all they were meant to have. 10 (TEN!!!) years later they were pregnant with my sister. My mom always says that while at the time it wasn’t happening they were devastated, but now she completely sees Gods plan and wouldn’t have it any other way! And my sister and I are best friends 10 years apart. Know thT his timing truly is perfection- though we may not see it like that now.
Sending love from Florida and lots of prayers!
Erin, thanks for sharing your story. It’s as though I’m reading my own. I remember the feeling of desperately wanting a sibling for our oldest. It was “easy” to get pregnant with the first. It wasn’t so easy with the other 2. Our children are 16, 11 and 7! It was God’s plan for us.
It’s hard to trust in His plan, but you have the right attitude and a positive outlook. I’ll pray for your family.
I enjoy seeing your family in London and seeing Sully. It reminds me of when our oldest was little. I miss it! Our other two are boys!
Jessi’s Design says
Thinking of you friend and praying more than you know! At this point Andi will most likely be 5 if I ever even get my husband on board for another. It’s the only cause of tension in our marriage currently and although very different than your situation, it does hurt. Especially when literally ever person I know is on their 2nd or even 3rd. My sister and I are 5 years apart and it was great! I believe in the power of prayer and I have faith Sully will get her sibling. Hope y’all are living it up overseas! Love following along! Xo
Lisa G. says
I’m so sorry for your struggles. I have walked in your shoes after not being able to get pregnancy for four years after my daughter was born. Eventually I did get pregnant, and my girls are 5 years apart. I never wanted my children far apart, but they have such a close bond. Now that my eldest leaves for college next week, I’m greatful that I won’t have an Empty Nest For 5 more years! Prayers for your journey and thank you for sharing, I’m sure there are many families with the same struggle!?
Kelin Haulsee says
Lots of prayers for y’all. We know exactly what y’all are going through. It was without a doubt the hardest thing that we have ever been through.
“Where there is hope, there is Faith. Where there is Faith, miracles happen.”
Don’t give up. <3
Patty Rose says
Praying for you.
Erin – I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And I will also tell you that baby #2 didn’t happen for us even after fertility treatments. I sometimes jokingly say “They say God never gives you more than you can handle – guess he thought I could only handle one!” Thirteen years later I know this is the family we were meant to have and I am thankful. You will also have the family you were meant to have. Prayers and hugs!
What a touching, yet sad post! So sorry to hear you guys are having trouble, but you’re so right – prayer is powerful, and everyone is going through something. Thoughts to you!
Oh, Erin, I’m so, so sorry to hear about this cross you and your husband are carrying. I will be praying for you often. xoxoxo